Are You Feeling Sullied And Unusual
by The Rabbit Is Dead
Summary: UPDATE! A new vamp enters the scene and has his stomach set on Bella. Bella happens to think said vamp is sexy. Edward is feeling jealous. And frightened! Who is this guy? WARNING: SLASH, crossdressing, violence, swearing and wrongful use of a monkey
1. Compulsory First Chapter

Hooray, my first fic. Be kind. I have been wanting to upload this for ages. This is a gift fic for Julie. I freaking LOVE you man XD

Obviously, this is a TwilightxPirates crossover. I am attempting to keep this as canon as possible, but clearly my lovely Jack Sparrow is NOT a creation of Stephanie Meyer.

Rating may or may not go up for future chapters, but only because of excessive swearing, innuendo, violence, and the wrongful use of coleslaw.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, that belongs to Disney, nor do I own Twilight, property of Stephanie Meyer. Julie is however, my wench, despite her usage by a certain pirate captain.

On with the story.

---

Far overhead, a seagull called. The sky was cloudless, the gentle breeze effectively pushing the white fluff from the blue bowl. Sun beating down on her lithe form, Alice marvelled in the way the rays made her skin sparkle in the light. She hardly ever got to see the sun anymore, not since they had moved to Forks with Carlisle's clan. Thick ropes of diamond glass circled her waist from behind and she couldn't resist a giggle as Jasper's breath tickled her ear.

"What are you thinking about, that's made you so happy?" he asked softly, his voice warm.

Snuggling back further into the protective circle of his arms, Alice smiled dreamily.

"About us. Our family. How good everything is." She pivoted gracefully on the spot, stopping to face him. Jasper smiled down at her as she reached up to stroke the golden strands from his face. "How much I love you," she whispered.

He smiled, lips curving, and Alice felt her metaphorical heart clench. He was so perfect. She wetted her own lips, an invitation, looking up at him through her raven tresses. Taking the hint, Jasper dipped his head, and Alice felt her mind go blank as sensation swept her from the world around them.

There was nothing, nothing at all, but Jasper holding her to his chest, his hands pressed against her spine. The sound of the waves lapping against the hull was nothing, the creaking of the metal beneath them was nothing. The warmth of the sunshine, the glare of the water, the soft sea breeze; all of it was meaningless to her now as she stood entwined with her lover. She wanted nothing more than this perfect moment to last forever, and, considering what they both were, it very well could, or at least, last for a very long time.

"Oi! What are you lot doing on my ship!"

Breaking apart, Jasper grabbed Alice and spun her away from the foreign voice, placing himself in front of her protectively. Alice stood, gathering her wits. Which was a feat in itself. Because Alice was never startled. By anything. She always knew what was going to happen before it did anyway, so unexpected surprises were a real rarity. Taking a calming breath, Alice peered around Jasper, who stood in front of her, growling, fangs bared.

A vampire stood in front of them, though he was unlike any vampire she had ever seen. At least, not recently. His clothes were, well, old. And not like the frayed kind of old, but more of the made-in-the-last-century kind of old. She flickered her gaze over him for a second before glancing up at his face, her lips curled in distaste.

The vampire caught her gaze and smirked. "Don't like my appearance, love?" he asked, his voice rough. He winked. "Don't hold it against me, if my taste in fashion differs from your own. Some of us are born with a natural flare for these things. Sadly, not all of us are so blessed, but truly, my sympathies go out to you, darlin'."

She hissed, her eyes narrowing dangerously. Jasper tensed.

"Don't go getting all riled up over me darlin', after all, you'll be seeing me shortly." His lips stretched into a grin, and Alice was once again surprised as a shiver of unease ran down her spine. His ruby-red gaze pinned her own amber one, his smile mocking.

"Oh, but of course! How silly of me to forget!" he sniggered. "You won't be seeing me coming, now will you? Get ready love, it's going to be the best surprise ever! Just wait, because darlin'…" Something whispered in her head softly. She tried to focus on it, hear what it was. A voice. His voice.

"Hell comes for thee."

---

Alice hurtled upright, a scream tearing from her throat. Immediately, a lazy sense of calm and ease swept over her and she scrambled blindly into Jasper's arms. He rocked her gently, stroking her face, letting the aura of serenity to wash over her frantic form.

"What was it Alice?" Esme asked, her gentle voice concerned.

"Alice?" a voice whispered near Jasper's shoulder, shocking her from her terror. Pulling her face from his shirt, Alice met Bella's disturbed brown gaze.

Blinking stupidly, Alice turned her gaze to the room. The lounge room. All of her fellow Cullen's were there, gazing at her with equal amounts of concern. The only face that was not was Edward's, whose brow was furrowed into a frown, though he looked more apprehensive than concerned.

"Are you okay Alice" Bella asked, her hand reaching out hesitantly. "What- what did you see?"

"A… a vision?" Alice babbled, still caught in the illusion. The irrational sense of fear that even now threatened to consume her still lingered in her mind like a fog, constricting her. That man, the vampire. Those whispered words in her mind has overridden all other thoughts, every scrap of rationality.

And even now she couldn't shake her terror. Because that was no ordinary vision. It was… it was more like a dream.

But, but that was impossible. She didn't even sleep, let alone dream. But if that was a vision, why was it so… so strange. It was more like someone had spoken in her head, communicated with her, rather than her seeing the future. Because it was like he was the one predicting to future, not her.

"Perhaps," Edward's voice broke through Alice's tangled thoughts, "You should inform everyone of what you just saw. Though censored I hope" he added with a smirk.

"Wha- Oh!" He meant that little scene with her and Jasper. Yeah, probably won't tell everyone about that.

"Well" she began hesitantly, "What I saw was…"

---

As Bella lay in bed that night, she asked Edward to sing her to sleep. Edward looked surprised. And a little disappointed. "Why the rush" he asked, his voice low.

Bella shrugged, hoping to appear indifferent. "Just a bit tired, is all."

He nodded, but despite his deceptively blank face, Bella could tell he'd had other plans involving before bedtime activities. As he began to sing her lullaby, she relaxed, snuggling deeper into her frozen embrace and her bedcovers.

Giving into her drooping eyelids, Bella closed her eyes with a sigh, letting her mind trail off. And they immediately turned to the mysterious vision Alice had had. Bella, despite herself, shuddered, remembering almost too vividly the look of pure terror that had seized Alice, her eyes glazed over with fear, the bell-like scream in all of it's horrific beauty.

As she had blurted out her story, Bella felt her gut twist with unease.

She did not like the sound of this supposed newcomer. It hadn't been a normal vision for Alice, that much she could figure out on her own. And the vampire, it was almost like he was telling them of his immanent arrival, demanding they prepare. And once more, the Cullen's were divided in what they should do.

Rosalie, Carlisle, and Esme were certain that the vision was nothing, a skewed version of events that probably wouldn't even come to pass anyway.

But Edward and Jasper weren't so sure. And Emmet too. The prospect of a possible confrontation with a rogue vampire, while not a very threatening idea, was not a very comforting one either.

The fact that he could have somehow penetrated Alice's mind meant that he was powerful, and a possible danger. But Alice couldn't tell them if it was true or not, nor when, where, or even if he would arrive. She had spent the rest of the day concentrating, attempting to catch another glimpse of the vampire, but to no avail.

And with no more visions to back up her claim, the household dismissed it, Edward scooping her up and announcing to take Bella home. No one had objected, though Alice looked about ready to burst into tears, if that was possible, even before they had departed. Jasper was close on her heels, his marble face twisted in concern.

Edward too had been unusually quiet, though he made a point to talk to her as they sped back to Charlie's house as though nothing was wrong at all.

But as she lay in bed, curled next to her own personal angel, her thoughts were straying, not on the one beside her, not even on Jacob, her Jacob.

And as she fell asleep, it wasn't anyone she knew that she dreamed of. It was of a certain ruby eyed monster in the form of a god.

---

"Eeedddwwwaaarrrddd" Alice whined, "Go easy on her or it's no ffffuuunnnnn," as her soprano voice reaching new levels, though how it managed to still sound beautiful even at the impossibly annoyingly loud pitch was an absolute mystery to Bella. But if she had to guess, it was because Alice was a vampire.

And Edward refused to turn her till she had taken the plunge and married him. And all Bella could say to that was, "Why the hell do we have to get married first?"

Because the only reason Edward had was based solely on principle, and as far as Bella was concerned, those principles shove it. If there was one thing she was not going to do in her days as a human, it was get hitched right off the bat.

Which of course was the problem. Edward wouldn't turn her into a vampire without first marrying her. And Bella though that they could get married after she was a vampire and had put a couple more years onto her parents marital clock till they deemed it decent that she wed.

Unfortunately, the key factor here was time, something Bella didn't really have a lot of. What with her aging by the second and her Edward staying frozen as forever seventeen. So was it so unreasonable that she asked to be turned first as apposed to, say, after she had turned senile?

Why oh why did Edward have to be so damn stubborn? If she was turned all of this wouldn't be an issue. Edward wouldn't have to keep being so protective of her, they could partake in more… interesting nighttimes activities without worry, and most of all, wouldn't have to worry about the Volturi.

But when she pointed all this out to him, Edward had smiled and pointed out to her that Jacob would hate her on principle, and bye bye friendship with werewolf. Edward, you annoying bastard.

Suddenly, Bella gasped, breaking from her reverie.

Wh-what? Edward was a lot of things (beautiful, talented, funny, loving, gorgeous, an angel, musically gifted, oh, and did I mention beautiful?) but a bastard he was not. Nor was he annoying… much.

This… this had to be the negative influence of hanging around La Push too much. She had never been one fro cursing, finding it a rather vulgar habit, but the werewolves had quite the vocabulary to their names and often made high use of it.

Which was obviously problematic when she was trying to impress her future family with how cool and sophisticated she was.

"Bella, honey" Edward murmured, once again jolting her from her thoughts. "It's your turn" he said with a smile that melted her completely from the inside out. He tilted his head to the SCRABBLE game they were currently playing.

She smiled and nodded, thrown for a second when he gave her an enthusiastic smile. He had been quite eager to play her, because for once he would be able to win based solely on his ability, not his mind reading.

As she spelt out the word "egregious," Alice, lounging on the couch and mercifully helping Bella out against everyone, stiffened. At split second later, Edward mimicking her, no doubt reading her mind, and her vision.

"Alice?" Bella asked cautiously.

"He's here" she breathed, her eyes glassy.

"Who?" asked Esme, looking between Alice and Edward.

Edward stood in one of his eerily fast movements, jolting the table and knocking the pieces from their respective places on the board. "Ed-" Bella protested, but was cut off as he leapt in front if her, sinking into a defensive crouch. A truly terrifying snarl ripped from his chest, and Bella quieted as fear overtook her.

The last time Edward had acted like this, there was a murderous band of vampires about to arrive, who were most definitely not vegetarians. The last time she had heard Edward sound like that, animalistic and deadly, James had been in the process of killing her.

And the only reason he ever acted like this was when there was a real threat to her life. Which could only mean that…

Carlisle's head snapped up, his eye's locking on something not there. A quick glance around the room told Bella that it was now something that all the vampires could hear, judging by the way everyone had stiffened, becoming beautiful marble sculptures.

Bella held her breath. It was silent for a heartbeat.

CRACK

The front door splintered, crumpling like paper as an unnatural force hit it. Shards of woods and dust rained down on the hallway. And through the cloud of dust and splinters, and figure stepped forward, slinking with cat-like grace into the room.

Bella felt her breath catch as one of the most good-looking vampires she had ever laid eyes on stepped into the room, his garnet eyes glinting maliciously.

"Carlisle! Mate, it's been too long. Hear you've got a troublesome brat with you, messed with the Volturi a while back" he grinned, revealing perfectly white canines. "Did you miss ol' Jack?"

He paused, smiling at then and swaying, in Bella's opinion, quite drunkenly, if that was possible.

Flexing his impressive muscles, Emmet stepped towards the stranger, his expression both dark and eager.

"I'm sorry. Who the Hell are you?" he spat.

The newcomer blinked. "I'm captain Jack Sparrow."

---

(A/N) And there you have it. My first chappie. Yay! Just to let you all know, this story is going to get a Hell of a lot more crazier. Randomness and violence ensue!

Oh yeah, this is set somewhere between New Moon and Eclipse, when Jacob and Bells are still friends, Eddie's back and Victoria has yet to show up. The whole rash of killings in Seattle or wherever it was at the beginning is actually caused by our mysterious guest. Lol, Jack-Jack, you naughty boy. You were hungry, ne.

And yes, there will be human Bella, and a non-vegetarian Jack, because where's the fun.

Oh yeah, if any of you have a problem with this fic not being completely EdxBella, shove it, because there is going to be jealousy and wavering galore. And I'm sorry, but to any JakexBella fans out there, DO NOT read this fic. Because there will be Jake bashing. But then, there will be everybody-bashing too.

Why? Because Twilight is to sunshine and bunnies relationship wise, if you exclude the whole EdxBellaxJake triangle thing. Not enough jealousy and violence.

Be prepared, Eddie's gonna have one hell of a time. Jack isn't going to make this easy for him, are you honey?

Please review, don't care if it's flames or whatever, I love you all. *cries* why don't you LOVE ME?


	2. Oh My God! Why Me!

For Bella, the non-vegetarian vampires that she had ever met had always been lethal, beautiful, dangerous things, monsters hidden behind the faces of angels. She had learnt quickly that vampires with ruby eyes spelt trouble for humans such as herself; particularly herself, considering that she apparently smelt rather good to vampires.

Ever since the little incident in Phoenix when she was attacked and almost killed by a vampire, Bella had been fairly cautious around the, in her honest opinion, dangerous vampires. The whole James fiasco had opened her eyes and made her a little more wary of the garnet-eyed creatures, and all the more determined to become a vampire herself, to be as invulnerable and powerful as the Cullen's.

So it was most definitely against her better judgment that Bella found herself leaning around Edward, Alice, Jasper and Esme to stare at the gorgeous newcomer.

He was heartbreakingly beautiful, in a way that her Edward was not. He was older, probably about the same age as Carlisle, appearing to be only in his thirties, and like all vampires, was shockingly pale, with deep shadows beneath his eyes. His shadows were so dark that Bella wondered if it was even natural, it seemed more likely that the vampire was sporting makeup. But vampires didn't need makeup, they were naturally good-looking simply being what they were.

His jaw was dotted with dark stubble, his hair a mess of dreadlocks and tangles, his clothes worn and ragged. Crimson iris' glowed beneath his cap, eyes wide and fierce with feverish excitement.

He was the most wild, untamed thing she had ever laid eyes on. Her heart clenched almost painfully in her chest as desire curled in her gut. She wanted him. Bad. And in that brief moment of weakness, Bella was thankful that she was the one person that Edward couldn't read. Because then she would be in a whole _heap_ of trouble. Unfortunately, that same privilege was not extended to the empath of the house. Jasper glanced back at her, looking both surprised and worried. And if he thought about what she had just-

A sharp intake of breath from the motionless form in front of her was the only hint she got that Edward knew. Good lord, how mortifying.

Why oh why did her stuttering heart _always_ have to get her into trouble? Without her thoughts or emotions behind it, Edward could have simply assumed it was just her nerves. Things could not get any wor-

A feral hiss escaped Alice's lips. Bella jerked her head out of her thoughts only to meet the puzzled scarlet eyes of the rogue vampire. Oh, _crap_!

"Me hears a thump thump…" he said, surprised. He frowned, turning his gaze to Carlisle. "But why does the strumpet still have a thump thump?"

"Is that a problem Jack?" Carlisle asked, his voice oddly strained. Bella felt her traitorous heart quicken as fear seeped into her veins. The vampire, Jack, whipped his head around, nostrils flaring. Startled, Bella squeaked.

Then, like a hazy cloud, calm and courage swept through her, relaxing her. She shot a grateful look at Jasper.

"Hmm" Jack smiled, looking pensive. "A special boy huh? I heard you've got a few of 'em Carl, but I thought the Volturi only meant special kids, not snacks."

At this, he threw a pointed glance at Bella. She frowned and, unable to resit the urge, stuck out her tongue childishly. Jack blinked, and grinned, his gaze becoming predatory. _Oops_, Bella winced, _not the _best_ move_.

"Jack" Carlisle said, his voice hard, cutting through the sudden tension in the room at the other vampire's words… and actions. Jack hummed in reply but didn't avert his gaze from Bella.

"Jack, what are you _doing_ here?" Carlisle asked, impatient.

"The Volturi mentioned you when I came to visit. Seemed like your lot had had a little run in with them not long ago." He grinned. "Something Eddie-boy did had Plain-Jane all riled up and Aro in ecstasy. And I just _had_ to meet the boy. So," he shrugged, "Here I am."

"You mean to tell me you're here for a _social_ visit?" Carlisle exclaimed incredulously.

"Uh huh" Jack beamed. "And now this trip has gotten ten times _better_! You!" He turned eagerly to Bella, hands extended. "We simply _must_ get to know one another better. I haven't met a mortal "in the know" for quite some time! Apart from that little receptionist of Aro's, but she wasn't nearly as calm and assured as she pretended to be. In the end, she screamed like any other human."

Suddenly, Edward spun, his arms coming around her as Bella let out a sob. He crooned in her ear softly as she shuddered in horror. The lady who had been concerned about her back at Voltaire. He had killed her! Just like that!

"I wonder" the lilting voice drawled on, "if you would scream like that too?"

"ENOUGH!" Edward screamed, an inhuman growl lacing his words. "Enough! Get OUT! I don't care who you are, leave, before I show you an up-close view of your innards!"

The vampire raised an ebony brow, his lips curved in wicked amusement. Smiling, he shook his head and clucked his tongue reprovingly. "Temper temper" he scolded. "Mind your tongue boy, or else I'll be forced to remove said tongue from your head… forcefully."

The vampire let the threat hang, a crooked smirk on his magnificent face. Gathering her courage, Bella pulled her head from Edward's frigid chest, turning to glare at the pirate. However, her intended flesh-charring glower faltered when she met the vampire's gaze.

He smiled at her, bearing his rather sharp looking canines, and Bella gulped. His smile widened further when she flinched as he purposely licked his lips… _very_ suggestively.

Carlisle's voice once again broke the tense silence in the room. "Err, Jack. Not that I don't appreciate the visit and all… but maybe this isn't the best time…"

Startled, Jack turned back to Carlisle. "Y-you want me to… leave?" he asked slowly, and immediately his face filled with hurt. Bella felt a pang of guilt lurch in her stomach. Jasper immediately jerked his head in her direction, his blue eyes inscrutable.

"Not like that, you know I don't mean it like that" Carlisle soothed, holding his hands out gently. "It's just that it's… well… complicated…" he finished lamely. Jack gasped excitedly.

"Like what?" he asked eagerly. "Like super major complicated that has brought on many of the problems and much of the tears?"

"Yes" Carlisle said slowly, clearly confused.

"Ooohh! Tell me all about it!" Jack grinned his ruby eyes alight with anticipation. "I love stories with distressing damsels. Or damsels in distress. Either one."

"I don't think" Alice suddenly said icily, "That that particular discussion is absolutely necessary."

"But…" Jack frowned, "It really is."

"Then in that case" she responded crisply, "Bella needn't be present."

"Oh yes she does!" Jack exclaimed, his expression insulted. "It's _her_ story after all."

"Hmm, yes it is. But she'll just make you more hungry if she stays" Alice countered, her soprano voice dark, hinting at a promised world of pain should he continue to defy her on this. "And we wouldn't want any accidents now would we?"

"No… no, I suppose not" Jack agreed, his face scrunched up as though the effort it took to comprehend such a think was physically challenging.

"Well then, we'll take our leave" Edward murmured, his voice hard. Scooping her up into his arms, Edward turned towards the door, taking care to put as wide a distance between them and the pirate-vampire as possible. As they passed, Bella twisted in his arms, glancing back at the vampire… Jack.

He merely stared after her, his lips jutting out into an adorable pout. "Buh bye Bella" he sang after them, "Taste you soon, hopefully."

***************************


	3. I'm Feeling Rather Emo

A/N - Ah, shit. I totally forgot disclaimer for chapter two! Soz. Well, it's not like any of you reading the fic will have any misconceptions that I may or may not own Twilight or POTC. And I realise that I haven't posted anything in a while and my freakin wench kept on demanding another chappie, so the second was a uploaded in a total rush.

BTW, GreenBeatle my dear, flame me and I'll have Bella make out with Jacob for the next twenty or so pages!

Jacob: Yes! Wooo, I could kiss you Bunny! After I finishing kissing Bells that is.

Me: Yes please. Your actor's a total cutey.

Bella: Erm, your not really going to make us do that are you?

Me: Nah, I won't. Or will I? Who knows? It all depends on what my lovely says in response to the chapter. Anything less than total admiration and I'll have Edward castrated.

Edward: NO! Not my manhood! I need that!

Jack: No you don't son, Bella's got me now.

Jacob and Edward: PISS OFF!

Jack: *whines* Bunny

Me: Now now, boys, play nice. If your going to fight, take off your clothes and jump in that stream over there.

Edward: Geez, your such a perv.

Jacob: I second that.

Edward: I mean, is that all you think about? This isn't going to turn into some random homosexual drivel is it? Because if it is then I'll… JACK SPARROW, PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON THIS INSTANT!

Jack: But Bunny said…

Edward: NOW!

Me: Awww. Eddie your no fun.

Jack: He's such a meanie, Bunny. I never get to do anything fun. I haven't all fic.

Me: Don't worry lovely. As punishment for your transgressions Edward Cullen, I hereby give Captain Jack Sparrow free reign to do whatever he wants in this chapter.

Edward: Wha- NO! No, Bunny, don't do this. Look, I'll behave. No! Jack stop it! Jack I- PUT THE CHEESE DOWN AND RETURN TO THE PICNIC AREA!

Bella: What the…

Me: Sorry, I've been watching too much Will & Grace.

Jacob: God, your so queer.

Me: *giggle* Yeah, I am. Anyway…

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer, POTC belongs to Disney, song belongs to From First To Last, and the yogurt belongs to Julie.

Julie my dear, this is for you.

---

(Bella POV)

"Oh My GOD! WHY?! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! WHO? WHO IS RESPONISBLE FOR _THIS_?"

"Edward" I soothed, "Calm down."

He whirled on me, topaz eyes glinting dangerously. "Bella! How can you say that! This is a catastrophe! Why on earth is _HE_ here?" he waved his hand widely, gesturing to the vampire currently curled up on the sofa sipping what looked suspiciously like warm blood from a mug with "TITANIC is the GREATEST movie EVER" imprinted on the side.

The vampire, Jack, glanced up, looking incredibly smug. "Wazza matter Eddie?" he slurred. "Can' figure it out by yerself?"

"Edward" Esme ventured, "Jack is here because Carlisle invited him to stay."

"YES I KNOW THAT! MY QUESTION IS WHY? ARE YOU _INSANE_? WHAT ON EARTH COULD YOU BE _THINKING_? THOUGH JUDGING BY YOUR DECISION, YOU CLEARLY WEREN'T" Edward shrieked, his voice hitting an impossibly high decibel.

"Edward" Carlisle sighed, rubbing his ears. "I invited him to stay because Alice saw a very disturbing vision concerning the Volturi. They have decided to come see if Bella has been turned yet after the little incident involving their secretary." At this, he paused to glance over at Jack pointedly. Jack grinned and shrugged, as if to say, _well whaddaya you gonna do?_

"But I don't-" Edward began before Carlisle swiftly cut him off.

"Jack just so happens to be one of the few vampires the Volturi are wary of. His capabilities have proven to them in the past that he is a rather large threat, both to them and to the secret. We are the largest coven, excluding the Volturi, and that's make us a threat too. Not only that, but we have Alice and you, and I'm sure you haven't forgotten how interested Aro was in the both of you. And in Bella too. I have no doubt that the Volturi may very well use this seemingly harmless visit to erase any threat that we as a coven may hold. And if that is the case, a little backup won't go astray."

Edward gritted his teeth. "You mean they'll try to make us join them and then kill the rest?"

Carlisle shook his head. "I know it's difficult to swallow but that's the way it is."

"You've got to remember whelp" Jack chimed in, "That the Volturi are only the most powerful vampire clan in the world because a couple of snakes got together and decided to make themselves kings. Aro, Marcus and Caius hold little power on their own. They just got themselves a bunch of thugs to beat up anyone who called them names."

Edward sneered. "I didn't ask for your opinion scum!" Spinning with all the grace of a dancer, Edward stomped out, his angelic face scrunched in disgust.

I would have gone after him, but I honestly didn't know what to do with a sulky Edward. He was acting like a child.

"Oi"

Startled, I glanced over my shoulder to the owner of the voice. He squinted at me. "Wench, stop moving!"

I blinked back, confused. "I'm not moving."

Jack laughed. "Of course your not silly!" He smiled and waved me over. "Come sit and talk with ol' Jackie. I promise I won't bite." He winked. "Unless you want me to."

"Uh?" I threw a startled glance at Carlisle, who smiled from the table.

"Don't worry Bella, Jack promised to not hunt whilst in our territory. He won't bite you. He's got excellent control." Carlisle's smile widened. "Like me."

I blinked, curious. Turning back to Jack, I asked, "Really?"

"'Course" he said gruffly, reaching out and pulling me down by my arm in one of the blindingly fast movements vampires tended to favour. I took a moment to refocus, my brain still three metres away where my body just was.

I eyed the fingers on my shoulders warily as he wrapped an arm around me delicately. "And exactly how old are you Mr. Sparrow?"

"Captain" he corrected absently, as though he had been well versed in the amendment. "Hmm. How old..? Carl'?"

Carlisle looked thoughtful. "Four hundred?" he ventured, looking unsure.

Jack nodded. "Sounds about right."

"Really" I asked eagerly despite myself. "When were you turned? Where did you live? What did you do before becoming a vampire?"

The vampire scratched his nose thoughtfully. "What did I do? Isn't it obvious?" His frowned at my perplexed expression. "I'm a soddin' pirate, love."

My eyes widened. "Seriously?" I asked disbelievingly. I glanced down at his clothes. "And here I thought your getup was just some weird fetish."

"I _am_ a pirate" Jack said childishly, hurt by my disbelieving tone.

"What was the name of your ship" I challenged. "The _Jolly Roger_."

CRASH

"Are you okay?" I asked as Jack pulled himself up from the floor.

"Th-the WHAT?" he spluttered, mortified. "Why in Hector's name would I call it a lame ass name like the _Jolly Roger_? I-" Jack straightened his spine out, staring down at Bella, "Am not a queer." He paused. "Though I'm not above experimentation."

I crinkled my nose. "What?"

He shrugged. "Desperate times called for desperate measures. It was a long voyage. And back then woman were rather unlucky things to have on board. 'Sides, Carlisle never complained about it."

CRASH

It was Carlisle's turn to fall to the floor in shock. As Jack's words sunk in, I looked at Carlisle in a different light.

"Oh" was all I managed.

"No!" Carlisle cried, mortified. "It's not- It wasn't like that! Damn it Jack don't say those things… it was a long time ago."

Unable to muster the words, I merely gaped at my future father-in-law. He… Carlisle was… with _Jack_?! "Your joking right?" I stammered.

Jack merely grinned mysteriously. "Who knows?"

"Carlisle?"

He shook his head. "I'm saying nothing more on the matter."

I couldn't help but pout at that. Did they or didn't they..? "Getting back on the subject…"

"Hmm? Oh yeah, my ship. Well, _I_ was obviously the captain" Jack puffed out his chest proudly. "She was the fastest ship that ever sailed the waters. _The_ _Black_ _Pearl_." He spoke the name with a reverent hush.

"Uh huh"

"What do you mean "Uh huh"?" Jack snapped, growing defensive.

"Exactly what I mean" I snapped back.

"_The_ _Pearl_ was the greatest ship in all the world, and all you can say is _uh huh_? How dare you! As punishment-" Jack disappeared with a soft rustle. There was a loud clanging from the kitchen, before Jack settled back in his seat, having taken only three seconds. He held up a dish and smiled, grabbing my shirt and yanking it forward. I cried out as I watched him tip the bowl and it's contents down my blouse. "-You will have cold spaghetti down your shirt."

"Gah!" Desperately, I jumped up, hopping about as the sickeningly cold, slimy pasta crawled languidly down my torso.

Sinking to the floor, I twitched in a pool of spaghetti and my own clothes as the Sexy God of Stuff watched my pain.

"Well" Jack said pleasantly, "I think I'm going to go find the boyfriend now."

---

(Normal POV)

Edward was enjoying a rare moment alone in his car. He had the radio pumped up nice and loud so he could drown in his misery good and proper. So of course, he didn't hear his good friend approach the car at all.

"_Note to self: I miss you terribly. This is what we call a tragedy"_ Edward crooned loudly to himself (A/N Lol, I'm sorry, but I had to put this in there, I've know nothing of the band or song but when I saw the music video by chance I thought that this song was like what Edward would write if he was feeling particularly emo).

"_Six foot tall, came with out a warning so I had to shoot him dead. He won't come around here anymore. Come around here, I don't think so!"_

Edward paused mid song as a baritone voice sang loudly outside. He knew _that_ voice.

"Don't stop now Eddie! Don't feel shy!" the voice called from the other side of the glass. Edward pointedly ignored him. "Come on Eddie-boy! We can do a duet together! Come on, I'll start us off. _'Yo, I don't think we should talk about this…'"_

Despite knowing that it would be hell for his delicate ears, Edward turned up the volume on the car stereo till he could feel the bass vibrating the car. Unfortunately, it still wasn't enough to drown out the voice from outside, who had risen his own voice in retaliation.

"_Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things And the bad things that may be. Let's talk about-"_

WHUMP

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"Yeah, bring it Eddie-boy. I'll kick your sorry pale ass! You don't stand a chance!"

"Is that a _gun_?!"

"Yeah, not so tough now are you Eddie-boy! I've only got one bullet but that's all I need!"

BANG

"……"

"……"

"…… Why the bloody hell didn't it work!"

"Guns don't work on vampires. _IDIOT_."

"…How depressing. Are well, guns are too informal anyway. Say your prayers Edward Cullen and prepare to be castrated!"

"Oh for Heaven's sa- Jack, a _sword_?"

"Hah! I've got you now! Hyah!"

SCREEK

"………You bent my sword you bloody girl. With your freakin girly chest!"

"What can I say, I work out a lot. And it helps being immortal too."

"Don't be so smug… octopus head."

"… Wow, that was really lame."

"Piss off! Oh, the pain. The _pain_! Nothing can make me feel better now. _Nothing_…… except drugs…"

"H-hey! Where're you going?! What about our fight?"

"I'm raiding Carlisle's medicine cabinet. Leave me to my grief!"

"……Whatever."

"Emo!"

"I'M NOT EMO!"

(A/N) Woohoo, another chappie done! I realise that it slowly deteriorated into dribble but in all honesty, the Eddie vs. Jack fight was to random for words, at least in my head it was.

Oh yes, before I forget. Please go to the following webpage **right now**. A little something with Harry Potter, Dobby, and a toilet. When I found this, I immediately thought of you, for whom I am writing this fic for.

.com/art/The-Flaw-with-Aparation-31765786


	4. Not the Coleslaw!

A/N Ooohh no, I am in sooo much trouble. I promised Julie I'd update for her on Christmas but I forgot all about it! GOMENASAI Julie-san! But, to make it up to you my dear, I've decided to write a prequel of sorts to this fic. And yes, it will be a POTC fic, back when Jackie was still an "innocent" human pirate and Carlisle was all on his lonesome. PLEASE FORGIVE MEH JULIE!

On another note, a belated Merry Christmas to you all, I hope you had a good one. The main reason I'm so late updating is that I got At World's End on DVD for X-mas, and have been gorging myself on multiple yummy semi-naked Jack's these past few days. As well as being tormented b the dreaded "family time". Eugh.

Disclaimer: I don't own POTC, The Teletubbies, or Twilight and all that, though after seeing the movie I wished I did. Damn you Catherine Hardwicke for making James so damn good looking! And damn you Stephanie Meyer for killing said sexy, shirtless James! Damn you aaaalllll!!! Ah well, I shall have my revenge. Edward, prepare yourself!

Edward: *scared* W-why?

Me: It's coleslaw time!

Edward: *confused* Why would I… *reads Bunny's mind* Oh no… Oh dear God NO! Noooooo… *runs away*

Me: Jack! After him!

Jack: Righty-oh Love *runs after Edward. Tackles him* Hmm, this is a lovely preview of what's to come. Now we just need that damn coleslaw.

Edward: For the love of- Carlisle, don't just stand there, do something!

Carlisle: It's better if you don't fight it Edward.

Me: Enough! I control you all for the remainder of this fic. Obey me!

Jack: Gladly.

Me: Don't be lewd, that's my job.

Edward: Heaven help us…

Me: Love you Julie.

---

(Normal POV)

Bella was almost 70% certain that her brain was slowly liquidising as she continued to watch this mundane drivel. Slumped on the sofa with her eyes glued to the TV screen where Tinky-Winky and Dipsy were furiously making out in an obviously fake meadow-like landscape. Carlisle was idly flipping through the newspaper at the window.

"Carlisle have you seen- What the _heck_ are you watching Bella!"

Twisting around, Bella turned to see Esme staring at the television screen appalled.

Bella shrugged. "_Teletubbies All Grown Up_."

Carlisle turned another page, his eyes never leaving the paper. "That show has really gone down hill since they've started airing new episodes. They should've stopped at episode 437 when Po shot Laa-Laa."

Bella nodded distractedly, her eyes once again fixed to the screen. "They're just trying to appeal to a wider audience now that they've started hitting on the big issues like poverty and war" Bella responded, her voice monotone. "Now they're not holding anything back. I think the show have evolved for the better."

Carlisle hummed in reply. "Of course," he said, faint traces of sarcasm evident in his tone, "Having Po revealed to be a Cantonese member of the Triad **(1)**, Laa-Laa an alchoholic ex-Idol, Dipsy a raging sociopath and Tinky-Winky a convicted homosexual have definitely boosted their ratings."

"Least it's not hiding behind the pretence of a kids show anymore" Bella admitted.

"Oh?"

"_The Teletubbies_ always had questionable undertones. It just took the renewed popularity of Elmo and the like, five years and a different network and support staff to rewrite it and make it what it is today."

Carlisle glanced up in spite of himself. "And what's that?" he grinned.

"A hit" Bella said simply.

Carlisle rolled his eyes. Remembering himself, Carlisle glanced about the empty room. "Where-?"

"Esme edged out of the room long ago" Bella supplied.

"Hmm, better go see what it was she wanted." Carlisle stood and stretched, his back popping loudly.

"If you see Edward tell him to get his butt back in here" Bella called after him as he walked out of the room. "Cause I'm bored out of my mind" Bella mumbled under her breath.

Approximately 4 excruciating minutes later Bella's brain-dead TV viewing was again interrupted. Muffled thumping echoed down the hallway and as Bella turned towards the doorway, soft mutters floated towards her.

"I'll find you… I'll find you…" **(2)**

As she watched, Jack came crawling into the room on all floors looking like some demented spider, his right ear pressed to the floor. "I'll find you… I'll find you… you carbuncle" he muttered quietly as he went.

Bella nervously pulled her feet up onto the couch. "What are you _doing _Jack?"

Jack lifted his head and glared up at her angrily. "NO… what are _you _doing?"

"… But I-" Bella looked confused for a moment before returning the glare with her own. "I am asking you what you are doing Jack Sparrow"

Jack frowned. "Well, I am asking _you _what _you_ are in fact asking _me_ what _I_ am doing, and what _I_ am in fact doing is looking for _my_ dead ferret, who has wandered off, savvy love?"

And at that most inopportune of moments, Edward walked in. And froze when he took in the pirate-vampire crouched on the living-room floor. Which didn't improve his mood any. Delicately raising on eyebrow, Edward asked disdainfully, "What thehellareyou doing?"

"I am in fact asking Bella, what she is doing, asking me what I am doing, of which she inquired as to what _I _am doing, to which I have adequately answered the looking for the afore mentioned ferret… _SAVVY_?"

"Please tell me you are not talking about that smelly rag that hangs off of your belt" Edward asked through gritted teeth.

Jack immediately brightened. "You haven't seen it have you?"

Exasperated, Edward pinched the bridge of his nose, trying desperately to remain calm in the face of this idiocy. "No, I have not spied your bloody _ferret"_ he spat. "May I suggest you look for it in the last place you had it."

Perplexed, Jack frowned. "Why would it be there?"

"Because dead ferrets don't have a habit of wandering off on their own now do they?" Edward all but screamed, his patience wearing unbearably thin. How on earth had Sparrow survived all these years? He was a complete idiot.

Jack smiled tolerantly and rose from the floor. Swaggering over to Edward, he patted his shoulder. "Of _course_ they don't Eddie boy," he said condescendingly. Edward felt his eyelid twitch. "And peanuts grow from trees." Cackling, Jack dropped onto all fours and crawled out of the room exactly the same way he entered, muttering "I'll find you" as he went.

Edward turned back to Bella, who looked confused. "Edward, where _do_ peanuts come from?"

Edward frowned and scratched his head. "Erm, honestly Bella I couldn't say. I thought they _did_ grow on trees."**(3)**

"Oh."

"…"

"…"

---

"Hey Jasper. Wanna wrestle?"

"No."

"Tch, whatever. Your no fun. What about you Emo Boy? Wanna wrestle me?"

"Piss off Emmett."

"Man! Ever since that pirate freak came you've been so damn moody. Just wrestle with me, no one else will!"

"God damn it, I said no!"

"You've forgotten Emmett, that Edward can't fight you right now. He's PMSing."

"Fuck you Sparrow"

"Please don't. I like being the dominant one in such relationships."

"What the he- _Oh my god!_ Shut _up_! Please Carlisle, do something about him!"

"Why? This is fun!"

"Yes it's fun!"

"Your killing me here!"**(4)**

"Yo Sparrow! Wanna wrestle me?"

"Does it involve honey?"

"If necessary."

"Ok gents… But first, it is imperative that you fetch us some coleslaw… *winks mysteriously at Edward* _just in case._"

"We don't eat…"

"My dear, naïve Emmett. Who said it was for eaties?" *winks again*

"Ewww…Maybe this is a bad time… Do I really want to know what's going on?"

"Bella love, Sparrow's scaring me."

"Enough! Play time is _over_ Edward. Revenge for destroying my sword! That was an antique you know!"

CRASH

"Oh God, not in the house!"

"Sorry Esme. We'll take this outside now."

"No we bloody will not! Get offa me!"

"_Not_ until you say chocolate."

"CHOCOLATE! Now get off!" "Fine then, say "I love you Jack! Why are you so sexy? If only your love wasn't bent on the sea. You are clearly the better man. Bella deserves to be with you."

"GET OFF ME YOU _CRAZYMAN!"_

"Sorry to keep you waiting. I got the coleslaw."

"_Alice_! Don't give him that!"

"Oh yeah! Sorry Emmett, you wanted to wrestle me. You can join if you like."

"Nah. Watching you beat and humiliate my brother is way more amusing. I'll just watch and laugh my ass off."

"YOU GUYS ARE ALL ASSHOLES! I WILL _NEVER_ FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS!"

"Calm down Eddie boy. Look. Here comes the coleslaw!"

"Don't _ever_ say anything again in that creepy sing-song voice. That's just wrong."

"Whatever, darling. Damn it, stop struggling, I can't get this infernal lid off. Stupid plastic contain- ah hah! Prepare yourself Edward Cullen!"

"What are you going to do with that?"

"Don't sound so nervous Eddie. Use you imagination."

"I shudder to know but… HEY! Why can't I read your mind?"

"Good question Eddie. But such things are best left for a later time. Right now…"

"W-wait! No, stop! What are you- Gah! Get your hands out of there- REMOVE YOUR HANDS THIS INSTANT! CARLISLE! Your son is being molested be a dirty, smelly pirate with coleslaw. Do something."

"Oi, Carl'. It's funny how things work out in the world. Reminds me of the old days. Like father like son ay."

"Is there something you haven't told me Carlisle?"

"Don't worry about it Esme. It was a long time ago."

"_Oh my God!_"

"Erm, Carl'? I think Eddie's going to throw a gasket."

"Calm down Edward. Things were different back then. Times change."

"_OH MY GOD!_"

"He's not taking this very well is he?"

"E-edward!"

"Cool! You made him faint old man!"

"I'm not entirely sure I'm pleased with this outcome. He didn't even say what I wanted him to say."

"Perhaps another time Jack."

"Carry him inside Jasper, Esme."

"…*sob* I miss Hector."

"There there Jack. Why don't you go shot that monkey of yours."

"Great idea! I've a spare gun in the Martin, I'll go get it!"

"Wow Carlisle, you really know how to handle him don't you!"

"Years of practice Bella."

"Is it just me, or did that sound kind of sexual to you?"

"No it's not Rose. Just try and block it all out."

"I-it's not l-like that!"

"Wow Carlisle your blushing!"

"Am not! Vampire."

"Heh heh, just kidding Carlisle, I would never-"

"_NOOOOOOO!_"

"……"

"……"

"……"

"……"

"……Uh. Did uh you just hear that?"

"_HE HAS ONE TOOOOOOO! _WELL MINE IS BETTER! IT'S BLACK! YOU HEAR ME EDWARD! MY ASTON MARTIN IS _BLACK!_ CARLISLE!"

"Yes Jack. Your Aston Martin is black. It's a very nice car. Now go shoot your monkey."

"OKAY! CAN I BORRY YOUR SHOTGUN!?"

"Yes Jack."

"THANK YOU!……… MINE IS BLACK!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ANNOYING BASTARD!"

"Hey look, Edward's awake!"

(A/N) Yay! Finally another chapter done. I know it is unforgivable and I have absolutely no excuse… except that I'm lazy T_T

**(1)** The Triad is the Chinese Mafia, or more accurately, the underground syndicates.

**(2)** NOT MY IDEA! This is from another fic I read called Dumb Dares by CloudNineKitty.

**(3)** Heh, peanuts are actually from a plant that flowers, then wilts and burrows into the ground and forms the peanuts. More or less.

**(4) **From a scene in the anime Fruits Basket. Lol, I couldn't help myself, I picture Carlisle and Jack's relationship just like Ayame and Shigure's, what with all the gay jokes and the annoyed teenage boys and the hitting on of young innocent girls.

Please, review meh! And now flames please, it hurts my creative spirit. Or something. Must sleep now -.- Never staying up all night for New Year's again.


	5. Jacob's Terror

A/N All I can say is, truly, it was not my fault. My mama is a total meanie (nah, just kidding, I love my mama, she's very cool XD). So, yeah, I haven't been able to update in ages so I'm just going to be a total rebel and write up this chappie at school. Ah, and I changed my name, which may or may not cause mass confusion amongst my legions of fans (3 people). Yeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!

Jack: You bad, bad, girl. I am sure Julie will hate you now.

Rabbit: R-really?! *starts to cry*

Julie: *runs in flailing arms wildly (like a lorikeet)* N E V E R ! ! !

Rabbit: *runs towards her with tears glistening in her eyes (in slow motion with the Baywatch music in the background)* Joooo-leeeeee

Julie: MAH LOVE!!!! *skids to a halt* Wait- What?!

Rabbit: ……

Jack: …… 'Ello love.

Julie: Oh, I feel faint *collapses*

Jack: *catches her* Are you alri- aaaahhhhh, so _this_ is Julie!

Rabbit: *frowns* How do you..?

Jack: She's feeling me up.

Rabbit: Julie!

Julie: I can't help it! His manly, manly chest is right there, and I'm just… pressed against it.

Jack: *smirks*

Rabbit: MY WENCH! NO TOUCHY TOUCHY!

Jack: *drops Julie* You can pretend faint too if you want. Right into my manly, manly chest.

Rabbit: *considers* Well, Aye aye Cap'in!

Edward: Nooooooo! Don't fall for it Rabbit! If he controls you, he controls us aaaallllllllll.

Jack: Silence Bitch!

Edward: Don't presume to control me Sir!

Rabbit: Awww, Eddie-boy's gone back to Edwardian talk!

Jack: They named a period after _him_?! What about me!

Julie: It's okay, they've named a language after you, and it's called Jackanese.

Jack: Mmm… Ah… Yes!

Rabbit: _Anyway_, I don't own POTC or Twilight or anything else really. Which is rather sad when you think about it. Not counting my Harem of Hotties, but that's another story. And I'd like to thank my lovely muse Julie, to whom this story might have had a discernable plotline, had she not appeared at my bedside (creep, creepy child).

Julie: *caresses the band Muse* Love you Rabbit!

Rabbit: Where the hell did Muse _come from_?!

Julie: *raises an eyebrow* Hmm… not sure I'm quite the right person to be explaining that to you love…

Rabbit: …Alrighty then… I need my Harem of Hotties. Comfort me!

Julie: *yells in a slightly maniacal way* I OWN JACK!!!

Rabbit: No, no you don't. Only Jack Devonport. Not Jack Sparrow, he's _mine_!

Jack: To my great regret.

Julie: *sobs in the corner*

Rabbit: Julie, cease that incessant rocking this instant! And stop muttering "Jack" under your breath, its quite creepy.

Julie: My _preeecioussss_.

Jack: Hey! She stole my ferret!

Rabbit: Quit stroking the ferret Julie!

Julie: MINE! *runs away*

Jack: Oi! My ferret! *runs after her*

Rabbit: *rolls eyes* Back to the _story_ shall we?

Edward: *standing by himself* Hello? Anyone? Rabbit? Julie? Asshole-formerly-known-as-Jack?

---

"Jack?" Bella sat down beside him, and Jack instinctively drew in a deep breath. Mary, mother of God, she smelt divine. Why Edward didn't want to eat her was a mystery to him. He could have a little tasty, then turn her, easy peasy. It's just because Eddie-boy's so anal that he won't listen to ol' Jackie's advice. He should respect his superiors.

Bella, in all her human speed and grace, finished plonking her arse down on the veranda.

"Yes darlin'?" he responded. Calypso, but talking to humans was so tedious. They were good for nought but food and entertainment.

"Mind if I talk to you?" she asked, brushing her chocolate hair from her face.

"Course" he grunted, settling back on his arms, his fingers brushing her soft skin.

She took a breath. Jack caught a whisper, soft, and barely discernable. Frowning slightly, he concentrated harder, focusing on the errant strand of thought. His fingers twitched slightly over her hand, the thoughts coming into sharper focus.

_Just ask him… scared of… he would know…even if Edward… love him._ Jack smiled. Eddie-boy would go mental if he realised that Jack could read her mind when he himself couldn't. Jack flexed his fingers. How he adored being a vampire.

"Jack" Bella asked, rubbing her fingers where they had touched. "How much do you know about the Volturi?"

He raised a sooty brow. "As I know quite a bit, care to elaborate?"

"Aro," she whispered. "Jane. Alec. Demetri. The Volturi in general."

"What of them?"

She shrugged. "I know their powers don't work on me, but they can still others, hurt Edward and his family. If we knew their weaknesses…"

Jack held up a hand and smiled crookedly. "And might I enquire as to why you would need to know such a thing? Unless you're going to declare war on the Volturi." He smirked. "Or deliberately break their rules."

She shivered. "When we were there in Volterra, me and Alice and Edward, they mad us promise to turn me. But Edward won't till we're married and I won't marry him till I'm turned. And I really want to be turned by him to."

Jack watched her as she tapered off, her face turning dreamy. He didn't bother trying to discern her thoughts. He wasn't exactly sure he wanted to know what she was thinking of Edward doing to her, because of course that was exactly what she was thinking of. She was so easy to read, a little open book.

"So" he murmured, breaking her daydream. She started guiltily, turning back to face him. "You think that you may not be turned before the Volturi come for you, and want to be prepared just in case" he guessed.

She nodded, blushing slightly. He watched her face colour, and licked his lips, listening to the blood pumping through her veins.

"So you want to know all of the Volturi's dirty little secrets? If I were in a divulgatory mood, what therefore might I divulge? Little Jane's past? How Caius met his bride Athenodora? How that pretty little secretary Gianna met her luckless end?" He leaned back on his hands, casually brushing his fingers over hers. Her thoughts were indistinguishable. He hadn't been in contact with Edward for a while, his powers fading too quickly. He flashed a smile at Bella. "Take your pick of tales, I've got a never-ending goldmine of them."

"It's not…" she paused, gathering her thoughts. "I just want to know, if there is any way, to protect my fa-" Bella blushed scarlet.

"Your _family_" he taunted. "If, by your family, you mean the Cullen's, you need not worry 'bout them. Carlie may not look like much, but he's a force to be reckoned with… when he feels like it. 'Cides, you and I both know him and Aro have a history, though admittedly, I know more - much more - in that respect than you do."

"But," he shrugged, getting up with a stretch that was all show. "If you're that worried about it, get your girly-boy boyfriend to give you a love bite vampire-style and you'll be right as rain." Jack winked. "You've got a lot of potential as a vampire. In looks and powers anyways. Brains I'm not so sure, you seem a little on the slow side."

Bella frowned, realising he was insulting her. Jack began to walk off. "Don't worry sugar, you may lose your sweetness, but I don't think Eddie-boy is thinking about that."

Bella smiled. Jack was kind of nice… when he felt like it. "He's thinking about others things, if you know what I mean" Jack called.

Bella blinked then blushed, catching his meaning just as an enraged voice screamed from the house, "JACK!"

Jack cackled, springing backwards into the forest. "Grabbing a quick bite, back soon" Jack sang out.

"Jack" Carlisle called from the lounge room window, "Vegetarian only" he reminded candidly.

The echo of laughter was his only reply.

---

Jacob groaned, the scent of grass invading his nostrils. That damn leech. How the hell was he so damn fast?

A booted heel slammed into his head, pushing it further into the soft ground. Luckily, the force wasn't enough to do any damage. Aside from a minor headache.

"Bad Doggy" the silky voice chided.

Annoyance flared in Jacob's chest. Doggy?! He flipped onto his back, jaws snapping. The boot returned, crashing into his mouth with a loud crunch. The metallic taste of blood filled his senses as he black out.

"Now, now mate, don't go to sleep. That's no fun at all."

Jacob's eyes snapped open again, anger flaring. Out two seconds and the bloodsucker was making fun of him! He wanted to snarl, rip that smug grin from that freak's face.

The vampire wagged a finger. "Don't call names mate."

Jacob froze. How..? Oh, bloody hell, not another mind reader!

The vampire raised his sooty brows. "Clever doggy" he said, sounding surprised. He stepped back, nudging Jacob with his foot. "Change back Wolfy, I wanna chitchat with you."

Jacob narrowed his eyes, growling through his loose fangs. _Like I'd listen to you_, he though venomously.

"Come on," the vampire cajoled. "It's no fun talking to a giant wolf-boy when I can't read his mind. I wanna know _all about you_." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Jacob retched.

The vampire laughed. "Don't act like that. I like a challenge. But I don't go for dogs. Although…" He tilted his head to the side, considering.

_Don't even think about it Leech_, Jacob hissed in his head, hoping his disgust came across. To make sure, he accompanied it with a loud growl. It didn't hurt as much anymore, now his teeth had almost completely regrown.

The vampire through back his head, his laughter like bells, echoing through the forest. Jacob told himself firmly that it wasn't a _nice_ sound. "Ah, ah" the vampire chuckled. "I know you may think that. But you know what they say…" He trailed off, giving no indication of finishing his sentence. In Jacob's mind, he screamed, _WHAT?! WHAT DO THEY SAY?!_ "Anyway" the vampire smirked. "We can always do it doggy style."

Jacob was up and running before the words had completely left the vampire's lips. He turned back into his human form. He couldn't bare the humiliation the rest of the pack would heap on him, particularly from running away from a dangerous vampire like that.

And with that thought, a small part of Jacob, called Jacob's Ego, asked him, "Where was his courage?" Where? Why, back there with the creepy vampire who was definitely coming on to him.

This defied Nature itself. Even if the creepy bloodsucker was _gay_, or even _bi_, that was no excuse. Vampire and werewolves hated each other on principle, on sight, on _smell_. Why on earth would a _vampire_ come on to a _werewolf_?

That was too much for poor Jacob to handle. Besides, there was no shame running away from a guy like that. He was protecting his virtue.

---

Bella looked up, her face brightening. "Hey Jake!"

Normally such a reaction would cause Jacob to hate the bloodsucker Bella called her boyfriend, or resent Bella, for falling in love with him.

But today was a different matter. He could care less about Bella right now, not after…

Edward's automatic protective frown was already in place, catching his normal jealous train of thought coupled with the sight of him, but it slid off as he followed Jacob's memory back to… _that_.

Bella frowned. "Edward? What's up?"

"A vampire attacked hikers?" Edward whispered. Bella stiffened, and in a flash, the rest of the Cullen's joined them.

"Where?" murmured Carlisle.

Jacob held back a snarl, refusing to admit he was startled by their appearance. Edward allowed a small smile at Jacob's expense, before getting back to business. "Was it in our borders or yours?"

"Just outside actually" Jacob muttered. "I was patrolling and smelled the bloodsucker coming. It wasn't any of you so… But the second I got close I…" Ashamed, he trailed off.

"What, dog breath?" demanded Rosalie. Jacob snarled.

"He attacked you" finished Edward. Emmett laughed.

"Did he beat you up, Mutt?" he crowed. Jacob felt his face flush with humiliation.

Bella slid closer protectively. Jacob glanced at her, her brown eyes worried. He smiled reassuringly.

"And…" Esme asked, her tone urgent.

"And then he ran away with his tails between his legs."

Jacob whipped around, ready to transform at the sound of _him_. The vampire stood calmly at the backdoor, leaning against the wooden frame.

Jacob tensed his muscles, ready to pounce. "Jack" Bella screamed in his ear, her shrill voice sending him to the floor, startled.

"Hey meatbag" Jack smiled, and Bella paused, confused.

"Y-you know him" Jacob stuttered, eyeing the vampire at the door.

Edward groaned behind him. "Jack, it was _you_?! We told you _not to hunt when staying with us_!!!"

"In your borders!" said Jack defensively.

"That doesn't count!!!" Edward screamed.

"WELL YOU WEREN'T SPECIFIC!" Jack screamed back.

"THAT'S BECAUSE ONLY A MORON WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND" Edward roared.

"I WANT WATERMELONS!" Jack shrieked.

"T-THAT'S IT! I FUCKING HATE YOOOOUUUU!!!" And with that, he launched himself at the vampire across from him.

Jack snarled, a vicious grin on his handsome face. "Bring it on girly-boy. I've been dying to do this for a long, long time."

Jack whipped out his pistol, and took a millisecond to aim.

BANG

The bullet dropped onto the wooden floor, flattened into a flat disk by the force of smashing into Edward's big, marble-like head.

Jack froze, staring at his gun, before it was wrenched from his grasp by Edward, enraged. The sound of metal and wood shattering filled the spacious room as all eyes locked on the remnants of the antique gun lying scattered on the floor.

Edward prepared to launch himself at Jack again but froze when he met Jack's eye. They were black. Completely black, glassy like a doll. Jack glared at Edward, he fury creasing his beautiful face.

_This time Eddie-boy, you _will_ pay._ The threatening whisper slid across Edward's mind like oil, and a shiver slid down his spine. Edward was not prone to bouts of fear. Only one person had actually made him feel such a thing recently, an accident-prone girl with big, brown eyes.

But now, as Jack moved out the backdoor, Edward felt the trickle of misgivings fill his being.

…Shit.

---

A/N So that was a bit of a departure from my normal zaniness. I thought that inserting some form of plotline to hold the story together might be a good idea, despite Julie's complaints. And again, to Julie and anyone else, sorry for the mega late update.

As a consolation, a little sneak peak at the next chapter, entitled **"Jack's Revenge"** which will be in 1st person Edward POV.

_Oh. My. God. I watched the hand as it moved towards Jacob's shoulder, praying that it wasn't mine._

Denial is such a sad thing, _Jack murmured in my mind._

"_Wh~at are you do~ing?" Jacob slurred, squinting at me._

_I felt myself lean forwards, even as I through my entire being into doing the exact opposite. _Jack!_ I screamed, though nothing escaped my lips. Stop! For the love of Christ, STOP!_

_Too late._


	6. Jack's Revenge

A/N I am in shock. That I would actually post another chapter but two days after my last update! It is unheard of. I'm used to a good half a year gap in my updates, much to the disconcertion of my wench *dodges spanner thrown by said wench* Anyway, this is a special update chapter for my lovely Lexie, who's birthday is today, YAY 17!!!! And this is also a special chapter (though much belated) dedicated to Julie and Megamus' b-days. 17 Again!!! Lol, good movie, Effron ish hot.

Warning: Never really did one before but I though it appropriate this time around. And yes, this includes this, all previous and all future chapters. Swearing, innuendo, and SLASH. Lots and lots of lovely SLASH. Implied, between Carlie and Jackie, and absolutely between *cough* others *cough*. _You_ know who I mean. So if boy on boy action disturbs or offends you, why are you still reading this? And if implied is okay, but the real deal isn't, DO NOT CONTINE. This SLASH is no joke. This is NOT a fic between Bella and anyone, I hate that ho. Boy's Love all round, but only cuz everyone knows all emos are bi. And it's funneh. Soz if it offends.

Disclaimer: Nobody loves me. My birthday came and went, there was no Jack springing from my birthday cake, and I is sad. This is probably because Disney owns him, and I don't. And you can keep Twilight, because I no longer want Edward.

But you know, I am doing this brand new update, and finally updated and not one of you, NOT ONE OF YOU said _THANK YOU!!!_

Rabbit: Does anyone have anything to say *stares meaningfully at Julie*

Julie: *rubs hands together like Gorum, coughs and eyes become glazed* FIRSTLY! I would like to express my deepest disgust of your love of the Gay-fron er… I mean…uh… Effron… *does shifty eyes*… *cough GAY cough* and would also like to mention to me _dearest_ Rabby _U B-T-R RUN!!!!_ *shakes fist*

Rabbit: I should feel contrite, but I don't, and probably never will (after ensuring such a thing will never occur when I ripped my conscience from my psyche and beat the shit out of it before abandoning it on the side of the road in Orange, NSW).

Julie: *gets out a dictionary for whatever the hell you just said in that ramble… * hmmmmmm…. I know what's missing…. *screams* WHERES MAH JACKEHH!! *eye twitches*

Rabbit: *gets whip out* Back in your cage Julie! Back! Back! *throws Jack plushie into cage*

Julie: *sniffs doll, growls, and bares teeth towards R-dawgz* I-L-U MAN! Me thinkies that I would like some pineapples… NAO! Oh F…can't type for shitzam sdkfjhsdkf jhsk djfhk sjdhfk sjdhkf sjdhfkjshdkfjh ß-------- my attempt…

Rabbit: Enough with the MSN talk. Ooohh, you've been distracted by the shiny object and are now regressing. Too much TV, Muse, and POTC for you. Anyway, Julie, don't you have something to _say.._? About a certain _someone_..? Who's _specia_l day this _is_..?

Julie: *slaps forehead* oh F!… YEAAA I forgotsy!!!!! HAPPY NATIONAL PINEAPPLE DAY!!!! …Wait… hmm something else ay?

33333 you lexeh!!! Happy Birf-deh mah precious!

Also to the Megah-Mooseh!! I-L-U alsooo, happeh birf-deh to mah deareh!!!! AWESOMENESS ALL DAH WEH! F-YEA!!! On a minor note… happeh birf-deh to me self also, cause im a sad little individual of which has to acknowledge her self actualisation day (don't forget the pineapples ^_^)

_*tumble weed tumbles past…. –errie silence-*_

Rabbit: ………………… O~kay then ಠ_ ಠ…… Any~way *pats Julie on head and slowly backs away* On… with… the… story- *runs*

Julie: *holds a sunflower and grins in a childish way*

Rabbit: *shouts from a distance* _You're CREEPY!!! _You should have_ NEVER _been let near Fanfiction or a keyboard, you eerie-queerie child!

Julie: OH that was funnneh! You ppls have _no idea_ how many times it just took her to write that sentence XDD personally im lol'ing hehehe… I'll give u a hinty winty…. MANEH, maneh, maneh, maneh MANEH!!! Grunk-a-lunk-a-lunkety-mediant-you-should-not-ask-about-the-secret-ingrediant!!!!

Rabbit: *pulls out megaphone* And no, we're not on anything _illegal_. Pirates make us high.

Julie: *gets out a paint brush* *raises a hand at the PA (Pirates Anonymous) meeting* …er I'm addicted to a certain pirate captn… *giggles and runs away*

*_random videotape drops from sky_. _Eddie picks up and plays. Rabbit appears on screen*_

Rabbit: On with the story. Lexie, this one's for you. And I am now in Paraguay, Julie, do not attempt to find me. No please, I beg of you_, don't find me!!!_

Julie: *taps Rabbit on the shoulder* S'up J

Rabbit: _Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-_ *video cuts off*

---

It was evening in Forks. The sun had just began to set, not that anyone could tell with the amount of cloud coverage that was atypical of the place.

The girl at the shops counter sighed heavily, glancing wistfully at the clock perched on the nearby wall. It read 5:50. Another hour to go. She returned her attention back to smearing cherry blossom pink polish onto her nails. As she leaned back to admire her work, she heard the electronic door hiss open. She glanced up impassively, uncaring who it was.

And promptly let her jaw drop. He was, without a doubt, the handsomest man she had ever had the fortune to lay eyes on. With his long, dark hair, toned skin and charcoal eyes she almost mistook for a Quileute up from La Push. But none of the Indians from down there were so attractive and stylish, none that she had ever seen anyway.

And he was dressed nicely too, a pinstriped black blazer thrown casually over a chocolate tee and denim jeans. She eyed his shoes. Black leather loafers. Nice. **(1)**

He disappeared into the isles, breaking the girl from her short perv-fest. She hurriedly blew on her nails, willing them to dry before the handsome guy came back. She glanced up. He was still prowling the isles, looking slightly out of place with a plastic shopping basket hooked in the crook of his arm.

She hastily dabbed on eye shadow and reapplied her eyeliner in her hand mirror. She was just finishing smearing cerise lip-gloss over her lips when he emerged, his shopping basket full to the brim.

She smiled brightly, determined to make conversation. If she was lucky, she'd be leaving with his number. Or a date. "Hello" she chirped.

The man glanced up, startled. He blinked, clearly surprised. She noticed the thick eyeliner lining his lids. It was unexpectedly sexy. He looked her over, and she felt herself blush. A charming smile graced his features.

"_Buenas____tardes_," he murmured and she felt herself blush. He glanced at her nametag perched on her chest. "Alexandria." He spoke it with the accent.

She blanked out. Luckily, the Spanish greeting triggered her automatic audio response mechanism. "_Qué pasa_" she blurted.

The man laughed. She felt her face turn red. He grinned. "Sorry _cariño_, I've yet to introduce myself. _Me llamo _Jack."

"_Encantada _**(2)**" she muttered, hurriedly scanning the items. Alexandria's eyes flickered down to her hands, barely registering the items she was scanning. Then she blinked as the coin dropped.

She looked back up at the man, _Jack_, with a smile. "Big night?" she asked, indicating his shopping.

Jack grinned, her handsome face wicked. "You bet."

---

(Edward POV)

Edward walked into his bedroom and almost walked out again, fairly certain that he was in the wrong room. He almost got there, before a dark figure launched itself from the floor, spearing him around the middle.

Edward grunted, toppling to the ground in an undignified heap. He knew who it was without looking. "Jack piss off! If your that mad about the friggin gun, I'll buy you a new one. A better one. An _older_ one. Now, _get off_!!!"

"You suck at apologising Edward" the dark voice mocked… from the other end of the room.

Edward flipped over, pushing the other person off. Jacob grinned at him, the smile he only gave Bella. "You look prwertty" he slurred.

Edward wrinkled his nose. Drunk. And judging by that comment: Blind Drunk.

"Jacob! The hell are you doing?!" he cried.

"Getting shitfaced" Jacob giggled. "I'm getting to know Ja~ckie."

"I thought you didn't like him" Edward asked shrewdly. "_At all_."

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. that was a~ll a big, big, big missstake" Jacob snickered.

"That's right Edward" Jack put in from the sofa. "Just a little faux pas, that's all."

Edward glared, not taken in by that innocuous smile for a second.

"Ish just a mishtake" Jacob murmured, draping himself over Edward.

Edward pushed him off again and stepped over to Jack, who cradled one of the many bottles littering his bedroom floor.

The label read Tommy Bahama White Sand Rum **(3)**. Edward glared at the prate lazing on his sofa.

"You got him drunk?" he accused, pushing the empty bottles aside.

Jack shrugged. "What of it. The kid needs a bit of toughening up. Can't have him running away at every vampire he meets you know."

"He ran away because _you_ freaked him out so much" Edward pointed out. "He's been around vampires for ages. Your just weird."

Jack shrugged again. "Correct."

Edward rolled his eyes. _Don't bother to deny it,_ he thought.

Jack grinned. "Denial is such a poignant state of mind. I try to avoid it."

Edward froze, staring at Jack. Had he-? Had he just-?

Jack cocked his head to one side as Jacob began to sing _O Fortuna_. "You forgot one very important thing mate." He smirked. "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow."

The oddest sensation of numbness stole over Edward's mind, as if freezing water was just poured on his head. Edward blinked. Or he tried to. Nothing happened.

He frowned. No, wait, he didn't frown. His face didn't even move. But he was telling his face to move. He knew he was. It wasn't responding. _At all_.

_What-_

Oh crap, not even his mouth was working. What the hell was going on?

"What indeed" Jack murmured.

Edward stared. Was this-? Was this _his_ doing? But how..? Oh crap! It must be his vampiric powers! Trust Jack to having something like mind control up his leave. Cause that's gotta be what this is.

_Clever Eddie-boy_, a voice whispered in his head. A voice sounding astonishingly like a certain dirty pirate. Bet he hasn't even bathed for the past century. B.O.

_Trifles_, Jack whispered in his mind, his tone almost sounded hurt. Almost.

_This is a little pay back Eddie-boy. You broke my gun. I've had that for centuries Eddie-boy. CENTURIES_. _And you broke it. The sword okay. But my _gun_! Ooohh no Eddie-boy, you _will_ pay for this. Remember, lying makes Baby Jesus cry. And you've been lying for far too long mate. So I though I would… help you out._

Edward felt himself take a step forward, then another one, till he was leaning over Jacob lying sprawled on the floor, the sound of his deep baritone carolling filling the space left in his mind.

_Ready for your first homosexual kiss, emo boy,_ Jack hissed, his voice gleeful.

Oh.

My.

God.

Edward watched the hand as it moved towards Jacob's shoulder, praying fervently that it wasn't his. That it was a dream. Anything.

_Denial is such a sad thing, _Jack murmured in his mind.

"Wh~at are you do~ing?" Jacob slurred, squinting at Edward.

He felt myself lean forwards, even though his entire being into doing the exact opposite. _Jack! _Edward screamed, though nothing escaped his frozen lips. _Stop! For the love of Christ, STOP!_

_Too late._

He felt his lips crash down on Jacob's and felt the shocking heat that constantly burned in the werewolf's body.

His lips were just as soft as Bella's, but ten, no, one thousand times hotter. It was scalding, agonising, horrifying.

_You know you like it,_ Jack snickered in the recesses of his consciousness.

A whole five seconds passed. Jacob hadn't reacted to the kiss. _Shock_, Edward surmised. _Come on, mutt, throw me off. Beat me up. Do what you were made to do,_ he prayed.

Jacob gasped once. "Ed." And then he closed his eyes and opened his mouth.

_Noooooooooooooooooooo_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jack cackled, though Edward wasn't sure if it was in his mind or not as he tilted his head.

_Please,_ Edward begged. _Please stop, don't make me-_

Against his will, he felt himself deepen the kiss.

_Relax Edward,_ Jack coaxed, his tone smug. _you can hate it or enjoy it, I don't particularly care. But it may change how bad this is for you. My revenge. And Wolfie won't be remembering anything by tomorrow._

_I hate you_, Edward snarled.

_Just think, this juicy little titbit can go in your journal. I know you must keep one emo boy, where else would you store all your angsty poetry._ Jack laughed, his voice cruel.

Edward tried to block him out, block out Jacob, block out everything. He just had to endure it. Endure it till Jack got tired and stopped. He just hoped that Jack wouldn't think up anything more creative to punish him by.

_I don't need to Eddie-boy,_ Jack said, his thoughts hinting on gleeful. _the worst is coming. Right. Now._

"Edward? Are you up here? Carlisle told me you and Jacob were talking and I- OH MY GOD!!!"

"Hello Bella" Jack said.

_Sinfully delicious,_ Jack thought.

---

A/N So, this is pretty much the first time you see Jack using his powers properly. And if it seems a little, well, not kosher, that's cause Jack's powers _aren't_ mind control. It'll be explained later, so chill if you don't get it.

Happy Birthday Lexie-poo. I love you 333333 If it's totally crap, eat shit and die. If it's good, request and I shall obey *cough* Julie *cough* I love reviews, _it sustains me_. Oh, and Megamus, do we have History Extension tomorrow morning? Review and tell me what you thought (and if we do have morning class Megamus)

**(1)** Lol, it had to be done. Without that, your smexy mental image would have been solely Captain Jack Sparrow. And I want to remind you, Johnny Depp is sexy too (_duh_), and yummy in modern clothing. So yea, MAKEOVER!!!

**(2)** Okay, don't mock my attempted Spanish. I've never learnt any Spanish further than _amour_ and _Qué pasa_. And I've been learning Japanese for the past five years. This was all I could scrape from the bowels of the internet. If it's wrong, that's why. This is a gift chappie for Lexie. Hope you appreciate it babe. And yes, Alexandria is _you_!!!

**(3)** I'm not sure, but I think that's what it's called. Can't say I know much about wine. Not like old Jack.


	7. Aftermath

**A/N Huzzah! Another chapter! I wasn't intending on updating for ages, not till I had finished school (yay, 9 weeks to go) but you know, I totally got the urge and whatever, even though I absolutely hate… *mumbles* stuff. Anyways, this chapter is dedicated in joint love to my Julie-wench and Megamus, who have supported me in this fic, and also in my SLASH obsession.**

**And if anyone has cared to look up the cast list for New Moon, they would know that a certain actor playing Dmitri just so happens to be sex on legs. Which just plain sucks. Why are none of the main characters that pretty?! I mean, come on! Robert Patterson's a fat man-slut! Why couldn't yummy Cam Gigandet be Edward? Or Jasper? It's Not Fair!**

**Warning: This is about to get queer. And I mean, all out that underlying homoerotic undertones in Twilight (that is only really there with Edward, cuz he's emo) are about to come out full throttle. And yes, there will be boy on boy action, though not **_**too**_** explicit. But if you can't handle a minor grope-fest, please don't read it (though why you would be this far in is beyond me). Swearing, innuendo/dirty talk, etc. You have been warned, albeit half-heartedly.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Pirates or Twilight. Don't care. *sobs* **_**I don't!**_** Not at ALL! Nor do I own Muse. If I did, I'd die happy.**

**---**

_**Don't kid yourselfAnd don't fool yourselfThis love's too good to lastAnd I'm too old to dreamDon't grow up too fastAnd don't embrace the pastThis life's too good to lastAnd I'm too young to careDon't kid yourselfAnd don't fool yourselfThis life could be the lastAnd we're too young to see**_

**Blackout, Muse**

"**For the love of- I'm **_**not gay**_** Bella!"**

**Bella shrugged. "Fine, Bi, whatever."**

**I frowned, grasping the bridge of my nose in exasperation. "I'm not bi either, Bella. Jack made me-"**

**I glanced up and stiffened. Bella stood before me, hands on hips and glaring down at me. "Edward" she snapped. "Don't feed me this bullshit! If you had the slightest ounce of feelings toward me, you wouldn't dare try and lie to me about this!"**

"**Bella" I instantly cried, jumping to my feet. "You know I love you. I would never lie to you!"**

**Bella sighed. "And I love you too. Now" she sat on the sofa and patted the cushions. "Let's talk about **_**you**_**" she smirked.**

_**God**_**, I mentally groaned. "Bella love" I murmur, trying to take her hands, "You know that what you saw-"**

"**Was hot."**

**That one floored me momentarily. "What?"**

**Bella nodded. "It was. I mean, normally, well, I don't know, if I saw Tyler and Mike doing it, eww, no. But, you know, when Jack said, well, he didn't say exactly, but he hinted, and well, the thought, of Carlisle, and Jack, **_**together**_**, its… kind of a turn on."**

**Bella turned bright red as she muttered this last bit, and if I could, I would have done the same. **_**Turn on! THAT turned her on! Of all things!**_

"**Edward" she reached out, her warm hands encompassing my own. "Please don't be like this. I know, this must freak you out. And to be honest, it wasn't what I was expecting." I opened my mouth but she cut me off with a look. "No, don't interrupt me Edward, I need to get this out. I was really shocked, and upset, and hurt when this" she waved her hand, indicating his still cluttered room, "But I- I always knew this was too good. And I don't think you should force yourself to be with me. Edward I love you, and I know you love me, but, but maybe it's a different kind of love. I still want be near you, around you, always. But, perhaps, not in that way. Not anymore."**

**Bella smiled a little then, but it was sad. "Edward, I just want you to be happy, more than anything. And, if its what you want, I will leave. But, and you know, I'll stay and support you however much you need. Edward" she grasped my hands, and suddenly, I knew this was it.**

"**I think we should break up."**

**---**

"**Congratulations for coming out Edward" Alice sung. Planting a kiss on Edward's startled cheek.**

**Edward grumbled, glaring at the occupants in the room, and pulled a face at Emmet's lewd gesture. He pointedly ignored the pirate/vampire at the window.**

**Jack beamed. "Hey, cheer up Emo-kid! Coming out of the closet to your girlfriend is always hard, but the wenches, they always understand." Jack sneered. "Right Jasper?"**

**Jasper glared and disappeared outside. Alice giggled, standing up. She winked coyly at Jack. "Thanks for finally dragging him out of there. Though I wish I was there for it. But honey," she smiled sweetly, angelic face almost heartbreakingly beautiful, "Don't call my babe gay."**

**As Alice skipped out the door, Jack called after her wildly, "I bet if you nag him, he'll agree to a threesome!"**

"**Fuck you!" Jasper called from the garden.**

"**Only if Alice lets me" Jack sing-songed.**

**Carlisle frowned. "Your dirty mouth isn't appreciated at the table, as I've repeatedly reminded Emmett." Emmet smirked.**

**Jack shrugged. "What? The girls like it." He nodded at Bella, and, to everyone's surprise, Rosalie.**

"**What?!" she huffed. "Can't help it if I think two guys together is sexy."**

**Edward threw his arms heavenward. "The world's gone mad!" he cried, flinging himself onto the lounge. Jack sniggered. "At least your past denying it" he jibbed cheekily.**

**Edward turned his glare onto Jack. "Don't even go there."**

"**Don't bother denying it to me Eddie" Jack reminded him sagely. "Remember, I know your little hidden secrets" he tapped his head with a playful smirk.**

**It was Edward's turn to grin viciously. "Oh, yes, that reminds me Carlisle. Did you **_**know**_** about Jack's special little **_**mind-control**_** powers."**

**Esme gasped. "Mind-control!"**

**Carlisle blinked slowly. He turned to Jack. "Mind control?"**

**Jack shrugged. "Picked it up recently."**

**Carlisle frowned. "Anyone I know?"**

**Jack grinned, white incisors flashing. "Nah, it was a young one from Japan. The young ones," he shook his head sadly, "Have no respect."**

**Carlisle looked troubled. "I can only guess that that ability is permanent. Jack, you really should restrain yourself when it comes to-"**

"**Save the speech Carlie, the whelp was set to become part of the Volturi. The rats" Jack spat with surprising vehemence, "Already moving in on the kid and he wasn't more than 4 years old. Winning him over with all that cheap talk. The kid lost whatever sense he was born with moment he met them."**

**Carlisle sighed, reaching over to squeeze Jack's shoulder comfortingly. Edward zeroed in on the movement, remembering Jack's allusion to Carlisle and him having something more in the past than simply just good friends. Esme shifted, looking embarrassed.**

**Carlisle didn't remove his hand. "Jack" he said gently, and gained the pirate's attention. "Please remember. Such an ability have enormous potential. But we are your fiends here, not enemies. If you see no **_**true**_** gain in using such abilities on us, I would ask you to refrain from doing so." Carlisle gave the muscled shoulder a squeeze before releasing it. "We're not your puppets, nor are we your playthings. Besides," Carlisle stared down his nose at Jack, "You can manipulate others for your own amusement just fine without your powers anyway."**

**Jack smirked. "True" he preened.**

**Esme coughed. "Might I ask" she asked softly, hoping to draw away Edward ferocious glare from Jack, "What exactly is your ability?"**

**Edward paused. Jack smiled. "I call it vamp-pow." At their confusion, he elaborated smoothly. "Like martial arts, only vampy style. What my vamp-pow entails, you ask, is-"**

**He leaned back in his chair, handsome face smirking arrogantly. Everyone unthinkingly leaned forward, eager.**

"**Anything."**

**Beat**

"**What?"**

"**Let me rephrase" Jack twirled a tanned hand. "I can steal other vampires abilities, through close proximity, or touch. Though I get the best results if I bite the suckers. And those I kill… through certain methods I can gain their powers often indefinitely." He grinned, looking roguishly handsome. "Cool, huh?"**

**---**

**(Jacob's POV)**

**I awoke with a groan. My head felt like it was split in half. A feeble grope around my skull confirmed that none of my brains were seeping onto the pillows.**

**I cracked an eye open. My pained scream echoed through the house. I'm not ashamed. It was a big night. I think. I can't quite recall all of it, though I remember it vaguely entailed me sculling quite copious amounts of rum under Jack's watchful (smug) gaze.**

**Pulling my head from the pillows, I attempted to get up. My stomach heaved and as I threw myself over the side of the bed, I spotted a bucket placed conveniently on the ground nearby.**

**Grabbing it, I vomited until I couldn't see. Gasping from the effort of emptying my stomach into the plastic bucket and caught the glint of glass and swiped the cup of water and medicine from my bedside table, sending a silent thank you to Billy. The thing acted quick, and soon I no longer felt like the my internal organs were eating on another.**

**The door banged open. I sobbed at the sound.**

"**Breakfast!" Bella chirped, carrying in a tray piled high with food. I almost wagged my non-existent (currently) tail.**

"**Hungry?" she smiled, "I brought eggs."**

**I began devouring the food laid before me, even though I wondered absently why Bella was here in the first place. Not that I particularly minded, but she tended to hang around Edward whenever possible.**

"**Hard night?" she asked, almost sympathetically, until I caught sight of a knowing set in her lips.**

"**Maybe" I said, chewing slowly, "I don't remember."**

**She smiled, looking positively delighted. I had a feeling she was going to tell me something horrible. "What did I do?" I ask with a groan.**

**She looked reluctant, but I could see through that no problem. She was easy to read. Emo-boy was just emotionally stunted.**

"**Don't give me that crap Bella" I chided gruffly. "Come on. You know your dying to tell me."**

**She looked embarrassed. All for my benefit of course.**

"**Hmmm" I leaned back on the pillows, hands tucked behind my head. "Must be pretty bad huh?"**

**She coughed. "Sure you wanna know?" she asked, looking at me through her lashes slyly.**

**I knew, instantly, that it was bad. Really bad. Not illegal bad, but humiliating I-wanna-fucking-go-die kind of bad. I gulped. Did I want to know. Good question. If I had been anything less of a man, I might have taken the safe route and said no. as it was, my pride got in the way.**

**A small part of me wondered that Bella was the one telling me, since she hadn't been present for the ordeal. Or had she? Most likely, the vampires knew what had occurred. Jack, probably. Edward, definitely. I bet he laughed his ass silly when he discovered my shame, laughed at my stupi-**

"**You and Edward kissed."**

……

……

……

"**Jake?"**

……

……

……

**I think I need that bucket again.**

**A/N Hmmm, yes I'm sorry it was a wicked short chapter, but I'm supposed to be studying and whatever.**

**I inserted Blackout because A) Muse is awesome to a fault B) This song is beautiful and it makes me cry and C) It makes Julie cry. Plus, you know, it kind of fits. And all of you wankers who only know Muse because of Twilight, how dare you! How dare you! Muse was awesome long before Twilight, and will be awesome long after. For shame! *shakes fist***

**For all of you lovely people who liked the story, those who hated it, and even those who don't care either way, please, please review! I would like to think that I'm writing this for someone's enjoyment **_**other**_** than my wenches/bitches at school! Not that they aren't awesome and I love then and *couch* you have the *runs***


	8. UPDATE!

Hello my lovelies!!!

It has been a long time, my dears, but alas! This is not an update.

I really want to start a new fic, but I have no idea what to write on, so if any of my lovelies wants to suggest anything, I am happy to oblige.

Will slash anything for views, even make lemonade if that is your desire. Crack fic? It would be my pleasure. Het? Maybe some other time, and only if I can poke it with the funny bunnies :D

But seriously, help a girl out, my body is willing but the mind cannot compute :(


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